


Thanks for the Fish

by Luna (lunasky)



Category: Doctor Who, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-02-13
Updated: 2007-02-13
Packaged: 2017-10-02 23:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunasky/pseuds/Luna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"A mattress? Your friendly locals are mattresses?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thanks for the Fish

**Author's Note:**

> Written for girlnorth's onebedficathon. Many thanks to the wonderful daera23 who said I wasn't completely crazy and for putting up with my whining.

Rose hopped around on one foot, desperately trying to latch her sandal without having to put her foot down on the floor and lean over. She’d just finished painting her toes and she knew they’d smudge if she wasn’t careful. Knowing Jack and the Doctor though, they were probably already ordering exotic drinks at the swim-up bar.

God she couldn’t wait. A sand and sun vacation after the dreary industrial planet of Raxacoriawhatchamacallit. Whatever—it no longer mattered. She was just glad to be done with everything Slitheen. Their smelly bodies and the gloomy planet they’d had to tromp around to find the perfect foster-parents for baby Margaret Blaine. Rose wouldn’t miss any of it. In fact, she was shivering with anticipation at being as far away as possible from the whole mess.

“Rose!” The Doctor’s shout echoed through the hall.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” Rose shot back finally putting her foot down and strapping her shoe on properly since the hopping was starting to get ridiculous. Smoothing the bikini strings along her hips, she gave herself a once-over in the full length mirror before nodding in approval and quickly tying the sarong around her waist. Stooping, she looked around for her hairbrush. The loo on board the TARDIS was almost as big as a spa, which was great for having room to wax one’s legs but she was constantly losing things. Finding it under the third sink, she quickly gave her hair a run through before dashing out the door.

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, I’m coming,” she hollered back.

Letting thoughts of the Doctor wearing women’s underwear fill her mind, Rose stifled a giggle. Why she did this to herself, she’d never know. Especially since the Doctor had never shown any real sexual interest in her. But the thought of the Doctor wearing some lacey white knickers was suddenly too delicious to let go. Or maybe Jack—she was sure she could get Jack to wear a pair if she asked nicely enough. Scratch that; Jack would probably wear a pair without even being asked. Rose shivered and then mentally chided herself.

What was she thinking? Maybe it was just that she was sex-starved. Not that she was complaining; the last eight months had been amazing. Fabulous even. Definitely mind-blowing. The Doctor had taken her to places she’d never even dreamed of, and she wouldn’t trade it for the world. The only downside, if she could even begin to call it that, was that the more wonderful things she did with the Doctor, the more she gushed the few times she visited home. The end result was that Mickey was so jealous he wouldn’t even talk to her. Then there was that whole Trisha Delaney business. All of which basically meant she’d gone these last six months with hardly a snog, let alone a decent shag.

It was damn frustrating.

One would think that with all the planets and evil in the universe, they were bound to run into a situation that required them to have sex in order to save the day. Or maybe some aliens with super-telepathic powers that would control their minds and force them to have sex. Or a planet with an atmosphere that instantly eroded away all their clothes and made them have wild sex on a deserted beach.

Rose suppressed a sigh. She would have been happy with the completely mundane scenario of meeting someone during their travels that was completely hot for her; enough to make the Doctor jealous and realize he was in fact a male. Even if he wasn’t human, Rose was sure they could probably work out a way to have mind-blowing sex.

Not that she’d thought about it all that much.

But apparently, she just wasn’t that lucky. Hell, at this point, she would have settled for having anyone insanely irresistible and completely hot for her period. But even that was denied to her as well—all the more frustrating since Jack, the man who wanted to shag anyone and anything was resisting her flirtations as if he were blind to them.

Rose tried to push all those thoughts aside. Sex was just sex after all, and maybe it wasn’t worth spoiling what she had here if neither of them were interested. But even she had to admit that thought was cold comfort when she was lying in bed alone every night.

She shook her head and grabbed the towel that was hanging on the banister of the control room. At least she had this to look forward to. After the gloom and tension of the last few weeks, she’d asked the Doctor for a vacation and he’d jumped at the idea. Promised her he knew just the place before spinning the wheels of the TARDIS and taking them to the other end of the universe. Pink sand—so fine it felt like power, crystal clear water, hotels with plush accommodations, and open bars. She didn’t want to start imagining what alien karaoke might involve, but if the liquor and sun didn’t relax her, she might be able to find someone willing to engage in a little hanky-panky after all.

Pulling open the door to the TARDIS, Rose closed her eyes and braced herself for the feel of warm sunshine on her skin, the gentle breeze of sea-salt air through her hair, the—

Smell of cold, musky swamp in her nose.

She snapped her eyes open.

There was no pink sand. No crystal clear ocean lapping gently against the beach. Worse still—there was no swim-up bar and she had a feeling she’d need a drink even more in the next few minutes. No sand and sun, only waist high reeds growing in the middle of a marsh, on a dreary grey morning on what was probably the gloomiest planet Rose had ever had the misfortune to set her eyes upon. Even worse than Raxacalapatorawhatever—

Some animal that sounded like a cricket, cricketed.

Jack was standing several feet in front of her with his lip curled up in amusement. At least the Doctor had the good graces to look apologetic.

“This isn’t that Super-Fantastic-Spa-Getaway you were talking about, is it?” Rose said, trying not to sound too bitter.

The Doctor shook his head. “No, sorry. The good news is I think Squornshellous Zeta.”

Jack looked around more closely, even going so far as to stand on his toes to get a better look off in the distance before turning back to the Doctor. “Just so we’re clear, how is this good news?”

The Doctor gave them one of his face-splitting grins. “Better than Squornshellous Gamma, believe me. Granted the climate’s a little wet here, but at least the locals don’t drive me barking mad in minutes. In fact, they’re actually pretty friendly, all things considered.”

Rose was pretty sure she didn’t want to ask, and equally sure that the Doctor was waiting for her to do precisely that, since his grin hadn’t wavered in the slightest and he was looking at her with those big, shiny eyes. She crossed her arms in front of her chest, determined to wait him out and not ask exactly what had to be considered, besides the marsh, and gloom.

It just wasn’t fair. No sand. No sun. And certainly no sex.

Time stretched on, with the Doctor patiently waiting—still grinning of course, and Jack poking around in the reeds. The sun didn’t seem to mind the silence, since it crawled along the sky just the same.

Rose sulked. The Doctor grinned. Jack poked around.

Then a mattress came up behind Jack and poked him in the ass.

Jack spun around with a cocky leer, looking around before finally glancing down into the marsh and seeing the mattress. “Um. Hello.”

The mattress, which was more of a mini-mattress really since it was only about four feet by five, splashed around, maneuvering itself closer to the Doctor before rolling around as if it were happy to see him. “Doctor! It’s good to see you again.”

“Hi Zem,” the Doctor responded with a smile, shooting Rose a victorious look.

Rose rolled her eyes. “A mattress? Your friendly locals are mattresses?”

The mattress wiggled its way towards her before curling itself up so it was standing straight lengthwise. It still only came up to Rose’s shoulders. “Unfortunately, I’m the only local, have been for several years now. Everyone else is gone. Depressing isn’t it? You don’t look happy.”

“Observant, for a mattress, aren’t you?” Rose replied bitterly.

“Now no need to get cheeky with him Rose, he hasn’t done anything to you. It’s me you’re mad at.” The Doctor chided her.

The mattress slid back down into the marsh and gurgled. “It’s alright Doctor, I’m used to this. She’s not so bad, especially compared to that robot. He was awfully depressed.”

Rose crinkled her forehead, wondering if she’d missed a piece of the conversation.

“I had the chance to meet him,” Zem carried on and the Doctor nodded sympathetically. “We talked for quite some time. He was a celebrity.”

“Bet it was all downhill from there. You know how celebrities can be,” the Doctor said to them all, as if it were a perfectly sane conversation to be carrying on with a mattress in a swamp. Rose recrossed her arms in front of her chest and continued to sulk. It figured that the Doctor would be concerned about the plight of a mattress but was absolutely unconcerned that she was deathly pale and in desperate need of alcohol.

The mattress purred. “Things haven’t been the same around here since he was taken away. Some of us have even tried to mimic him by frolicking around in circles. It’s not the same. And now everyone else is gone. They’ve all been caught, slaughtered, dried out and slept on. All of them except me.”

“That’s horrible,” Jack said, crouching down so he could be at the same eye level as the mattress.

“I know,” the mattress bobbed its head up and down and made a strange noise. “I don’t know why they won’t catch me as well. Am I not as firm, and comfortable as the others?”

Jack made a show of feeling the mattress, and caressing it. And even though she was trying really hard not to notice, Rose got the distinct impression Jack was maybe even fondling it. “Oh, you’re very firm, Zem. Firm, yet soft. I’m Captain Jack Harkness, by the way.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” Rose threw her hands up in the air. Enough was enough. “You said we were going to the beach. I dressed for the beach. I did my hair, for the beach. I even waxed my legs, for the beach. Am I the only one that seems to realize that this marsh, is not the beach?!”

“What’s she in a bate about?” the Doctor pointed his thumb in her direction while directing his question at Jack.

Jack stood and gave her a smirk, his eyes twinkling. “She’s horny, give the girl a break, Doc. I’d be horny too if I was traveling around with us. Oh, wait a minute…”

“Wh-what?” Rose felt the heat rush up her neck to her cheeks as the Doctor turned his eyes back to her.

The Doctor’s grin slipped a little. “Sorry, I didn’t know. I can take you back home to Rickey if you’d like.”

“Mickey?” Rose choked out, violently shaking her head. She could just imagine what a disaster that would be. “No. I’m fine. We can stay here. I’ll go change, find a pair of Wellingtons—”

The Doctor moved closer, putting a hand on her shoulder and looking at her seriously. “If you want to go home for a visit, it’s fine. Don’t want to cause you any discomfort—”

Rose shot Jack a venomous glare and wondered what kind of stupid sense of humor the universe had. “No! No, really, I’m fine—”

Jack smiled, tossing his head in the Doctor’s direction while giving her a wink. “For a genius, he’s a bit thick-headed sometimes, isn’t he?”

Rose didn’t know whether to laugh, scream or just cry.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re a genius, figure it out.”

“You’re the one who brought Rose’s level of sexual frustration. I’m merely trying to find a solution and you’re busy insulting me. This is serious. Do you know the GaGa people of LaLaope die if they reach a certain level of sexual arousal?”

“Can we please stop talking about my sexual arousal?” Rose shouted loud enough to be heard over the both of them, but of course they picked that moment to be silent and her voice echoed over the open landscape. Even the crickets had stopped cricketing. More blood rushed to her cheeks as she decided to examine the root structure of the reeds.

“If I might be so bold—” Zem’s squeaky voice filled the silence. “Maybe we can help each other out.

~~~

The Doctor held the front while Jack tried to help Zem from the back, through the door of the TARDIS.

“I thought living mattresses were small,” the Doctor said with a grunt.

Zem wiggled around self-consciously. “They are. They’re stretched to size during the drying process. It’s possible that’s why the hunters don’t want me. I’ve grown too big.”

Jack poked his head from around the back. “Trust me doll, things look great from here.”

Rose watched from her perch on the railing that ran the length of the control room, letting her eyes skim over the flexing muscles of Jack and the Doctor. Oh, she was still disgruntled and embarrassed, but watching the two of them spend the last twenty minutes discussing compression speeds of coils, and optimum testing conditions followed by trying to decide where to put the mattress while Zem made distinct moaning sounds in anticipation was going a long way to giving her a small amount of hope for the whole situation. Maybe the universe didn’t hate her after all.

When they got the mattress in a clear area, the Doctor dropped his end onto the floor. With a look around the control room, as if surveying the situation, the Doctor made a move towards the light switch; dimming it a little, making it a little brighter and then dimming it some more. “This deserves satin sheets…would you like satin sheets, Zem? I think I may have a pair somewhere, though I haven’t the foggiest idea where to start looking for them. Maybe a nice fleece? I have one that Rose’s mum keeps packing in case Rose gets cold—”

Jack groaned. “Can we please leave Rose’s mother out of this? You had me at satin sheets.”

Rose jumped off the railing and started walking around, letting a tiny bit of herself believe this might actually come about. Even the Doctor was smiling, albeit in his charming, sorta-goofy way.

“You haven’t been remotely interested in me for the last ten months, but now you want the three of us to take Zem here out for a joyride?” she asked, drawling her words as she approached Jack and started trailing her finger up his arm.

“Sex is just sex,” the Doctor replied with a casual tone, but Rose could tell he was picking his words carefully. “It’s a basic human need, like food and drink. As long as it’s okay with all the parties involved…” he looked at them, letting the implied question hang in the air.

Jack’s brought his hand up to her waist in response, making her realize she was practically naked except for her bikini and a pale yellow sarong tied about her waist. “I can’t speak for Mr. Oblivious over there, but believe me, I’m interested.”

He followed up his statement by bending his lips towards her neck and caressing her skin. The contact almost made her knees give out all the while sending shivers up her spine.

“But you never were before,” she hammered out as his fingers caressed her skin. Because God knows, she’d tried.

Jack moved his body closer to hers, pressing up against her ass as he teased her neck with his mouth. “When I came on board, the Doctor said if I touched a hair on your head, he’d go back in time and make sure twelve generations of males in my family were never able to reproduce, paradoxes be damned.”

His words floated through her mind but she was so distracted by what Jack was doing that they took several seconds to sink in.

“What?” Rose said as she untangled herself and took a step forward to increase the space between them, much as she wanted to do the exact opposite. Reluctantly, Jack let his hands drop as she turned to face the Doctor.

The Doctor was leaning up against the wall and shrugged. “I wouldn’t actually have hurt anyone but Jack. Twelve generations just has a more dramatic ring to it.”

Shocked and angry, Rose took a step towards him, pointing her finger. “What right do you have over my personal life? I’m fully capable of deciding who I want to get involved with.”

The Doctor’s eyes sparkled, his casual air dissolving into his usually intense posture. “No, Rose. Not in this case. When Jack came on board, he was just a good-looking con-man with enough information about time and space to make him dangerous.”

“I’m not sure if I should be flattered or insulted,” Jack interrupted, but Rose hardly heard.

“I realized that. Do you think I’m stupid? Just because you’re not interested, doesn’t give you the right to stop other men from being interested in me.” Once the words came out of her mouth, all the frustration she’d held back for the last few months came out as well and she had to choke back the tears. The truth twisted her heart.

The Doctor stepped closer, stopping just outside of arms reach, as if he wasn’t sure if he should come closer. “Oh Rose. Don’t you realize? That’s not the problem at all. I promised I’d take care of you and sometimes I haven’t done a very good job. I’m not going to let you get hurt that way as well.”

Rose quickly brushed her eyes with the back of her hand. “And now you’re willing to help me out so I don’t get hurt again, is that it?”

When the Doctor didn’t respond, Rose forced herself not to care. Jack’s hand was warm again on her waist and she could live with that. “Well I’m a big girl; I promise I can take care of myself and I don’t need your charity.”

She caught a glimpse of the Doctor’s mouth turning down in disappointment as she turned her back on him and wrapped her arms around Jack’s neck.

“I have no doubt,” the Doctor whispered.

Jack shivered and smiled, matching her glance with one equally as ravenous. “I’ll show you a joyride you won’t soon forget,” he whispered, pulling her in close until his lips were a mere inch from her own and she was looking fully into his dark eyes. Suddenly she was falling, landing on the mattress, still in Jack’s embrace, except that now his eyes were sparkling with mischief along with enough lust to keep him going all night long.

Caressing her hair, he finally brought his mouth down the rest of the way, touching her lips, and opening her mouth with a sweet pressure from his tongue.

Rose gave in without a second thought. This was exactly what she wanted, she told herself harshly. The mattress was too small for them to lie on completely and there was something digging into her back, but it had been way too long since anyone had kissed her like this, and Jack was melting against her, pinning her down with his weight. Their legs hung off the end and she didn’t even care.

Soft music came on, making Jack bring his face up, and gave her a chance to catch her breath. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw the Doctor discreetly fiddling with the audio controls before ducking away and her anger dissolved immediately.

“Wait!” she tried to shout but her words were swallowed up by the weight of Jack lying on top of her. She had to push him off and call out again, making it only a millisecond before the Doctor actually disappeared from sight. “Come back, please.”

The Doctor stopped at the corner of the doorway. “The two of you seem to be occupied. It’s no problem. I can find something useful to do.”

With a sigh, Jack rolled himself over, pushing himself up with his hands, and back on his feet.

“You’re stubborn, and pig-headed, you know?” Jack said kindly, stumbling over to the Doctor, grabbing his arm and dragging him back towards the mattress.

When they got to the side of the mattress, Jack tried to employ the same acrobatic trick to get the Doctor on his back, but the Doctor merely shifted his weight sending Jack sprawling on the floor by himself. With a grin at Jack, the Doctor sat down beside her. “You sure about this Rose? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to and—”

Rose decided that sometimes, the Doctor talked far too much and maybe Jack was right. The Doctor could be rather pig-headed and oblivious. “What I understand is, Zem requires our help and we should do what we can. If we can prove that he’s firm yet supple with good back support, maybe the hunters will want to come back and get him.  
I’ve seen how much you like helping people. You wouldn’t turn Zem out on his pocket-sprung coils, would you?”

“Well, no, but—”

That was all the permission Rose needed. Grabbing the collar of his jacket, she brought the Doctor towards her.

This kiss was even better. It was harder; the Doctor’s lips less forgiving, his mouth less open as if he wasn’t sure what to do. Jack was an old pro, but the Doctor seemed a little unsure; a little like he’d forgotten how to kiss. So she kissed his top lip first, and then his bottom, slowly sucking each into her mouth until a fraction of his control slipped and he opened his lips enough for her to run her tongue gently against his. It was a small tremor, really just the whisper of one, but she felt it deep inside, felt her arousal step up a notch. Felt its after effects as the Doctor’s mouth started to relax even more against hers. She watched as he opened his eyes; looking surprised that he’d closed them to begin with.

“What?” she whispered, daring for once to know what he was really thinking.

He gave her a crooked smile. “I’d forgotten that you humans liked to do that with your tongues. Odd since it’s primarily a taste organ but—”

She almost groaned as the Doctor went off on his tangent, but then Jack slid alongside him, running his fingers through his hair distracting the Doctor and making him arch into his touch. Apparently, all the past threats and insults of the last few minutes were forgotten.

“For a taste organ,” Jack whispered, as Rose watched him suck and lick across the Doctor’s neck and the Doctor turned slightly towards him. “You only seem to use yours an awful lot for talking.”

The Doctor opened his mouth, probably to say something more, but Jack didn’t give him the chance. Swinging his leg overtop the Doctor’s and straddling him, Jack kissed him fully, snaking his tongue in there as well. If Rose had warmed him up, then Jack was starting with the first course.

Rose propped herself up on her elbow, the lingering taste of them still on her lips. The fear that they would suddenly stop was dissipating the more she watched and truth be told, watching was fascinating in of itself. Before meeting up with the Doctor, she never would have thought the sight of two men kissing would do it for her, but it was like a frame shift suddenly occurring in her head. Life was more than the norms she’d lived with all her life but this here and now was true living; the raw power behind Jack’s passion, the Doctor’s missteps and forgotten movements, all coming together.

The Doctor seemed to lose whatever remaining hesitancy he had, thrusting his hips up to meet Jack’s while at the same time pulling Jack’s mouth closer to his own. “Are you implying I don’t know what else to do with my mouth, Captain?” The Doctor managed to squeeze out between gasps for air and lips. “I’ve had nine hundred years to learn a few tricks with my tongue.”

Panting, Jack gave him his own signature grin in between lip-locks. “But the question, old-timer, is can you remember any of them?”

The Doctor laughed. “Do you think you can handle them, if I do?”

“I can take whatever you have to give.”

“I do believe you’re the one that whimpered.”

As the two of them bantered back and forth, Jack pulled off his t-shirt and then worked on the Doctor’s jumper. They were so wrapped up in the moment that Rose wasn’t quite sure they even remember she was there.

Well, she waited too long for this to happen to let that continue much longer.

“I thought this was about me,” Rose said, half-jokingly but mostly not, timing her tease so that Jack was looking at her when she fondled the thin shoulder strings of her bikini top.

Jack rolled right off the mattress.

“Unless you think it’s best we keep the Doctor between us so he can’t run off,” she continued, barely suppressing her laughter.

Jack tossed a glance over to the Doctor and then got up and squirmed his way across their legs until he was on the other side of her, laughing and teasing, with his hands generously following her curves as he lay down flush against her.

“And just where do you think I’d go?” the Doctor asked breathlessly, turning towards them. “I mean, sure, I should change the timing belt on the air filter or lubricate the intake manifold—”

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don’t think that’s what we want you to lubricate at all,” Jack replied, running his hands under the bikini strings crisscrossing her back, until she felt his teeth trying to work on the bow. With a smooth movement, the bikini top slid from her body and the Doctor’s eyes widened.

Though the fabric had been thin, her body perked up at the coldness of being exposed so completely. Pushing aside the instinct to cover herself, she gave the Doctor a smile, and brought his mouth back towards her. For once, he was completely malleable in her hands and silent as well. And between the Doctor’s soft lips and Jack’s hands caressing her breasts, Rose lost whatever tiny sense of shyness she may have had.

When she lay back, breathless, Jack leaned over her, embracing her with his arms but taking the Doctor’s face with one of his hands, tilting it towards him, and repeated her kiss. The Doctor pushed closer, squishing her between them, running his hands up her body, tracing the path Jack’s hands had taken a few seconds before, but veering to touch her arms, and her face before finally touching her breasts. When Jack finally broke the kiss and sank back down, devouring her neck, the Doctor leaned forward to kiss her of his own volition.

The whole experience was intoxicating, addictive like the most powerful drug because she couldn’t imagine stopping now. She could feel wetness pooling between her legs and she wanted them to continue, more pressure, more tongue, more lips. The feel of both of them pressing up against her though the thin cloth of her wrap, their erections growing harder as they grinded their hips, making her wetter and hotter.

“If I might make a suggestion—not to interrupt and all—but, ah, will you be getting to the thrusting soon? It’s just that you really can’t appreciate my 14-guage coils unless you get repetitive compressions. I have pocket coils, so you’ll truly be able to see how I retain my shape, even after extended use.”

~~~

The Doctor took a cautious step back and gestured to Jack with his head. “She’s a little high strung.”

Even Jack had to agree. They both looked out the door where Rose had single-handedly dragged Zem back into the marsh and was now trying to get her sandals unstuck from the mud. “Is this what happens to the GaGa people of LaLaope?”

“Nah,” the Doctor said shaking his head while picking up his shirt off the floor and dusting it off. “First they turn purple, blow up to the size of gigantic blueberries and then exploded.”

Jack’s lip curled up in a smile. “Death by blueberry marmalade. Nice. Listen, are you going to be as difficult when we start this up again? Because if you’re going to talk that much, I’m bringing a gag.”

“How unoriginal. I would have thought there were other things you’d want to put in my mouth to keep me from talking, but I’m happy to oblige. Gag it is. Now, talking about talking, and since we have some time while Rose is abusing the wildlife, do you think you can you help me clean out the temporal initiator circuit? Every time I come to this sector of the universe it gets clogged with Babel fish and it’s a nightmare to sort out.”

“Babel fish?”

“About this big,” the Doctor replied holding his finger and thumb apart about an inch while he started unscrewing one of the panels on the main console. “Wiggly little buggers and they like to get into a pissing contest with the TARDIS on who can translate the fastest. Last time I was here the TARDIS spent a week translating everything in my head to Etruscan, and as much as I love the Italians—”

Jack’s head was starting to throb because there was only so much talking a person could really take. So he reached forward, grabbed the Doctor by his collar and dragged him away from the circuitry towards his mouth, using his second favorite body part to stop any protest. Really, it was for the good of mankind.

But the Doctor managed to make a decent amount of noise even without talking, and the groans and moans were making him hard all over again.

“Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?” Jack couldn’t resist. He didn’t even hear Rose slam the door to the TARDIS.

“The universe really hates me, doesn’t it?”


End file.
